Zoe’s Parody

I nearly died laughing when this came over the feedreader.  My ribcage is still a bit sore.  Apparently, some joker sent around a MySpace bulletin offering book doctoring services for an absurd amount of money.  Zoe posted a hilarious parody of it on TODP.

Dear friend,

As you may know, I’ve written a few books, so I knows a thing or two about making writings gooder. I had POD success with one book, which my mommy liked, and which sold 75 copies! The other two were…um…well received by reviewers…yeah, that’s the ticket.

So, if you long for this kind of success, please send me your story, a postage paid package to ship it back, and a bottle of M-D 20/20. After I’ve gotten really drunk, I will laugh at your lousy book and write “fuck you” in red crayon on every other page. Then I’ll pee on the stack and mail it back to you.

Of course, this in no way is a promise that your story will sell to a real publisher, but with my many successes in the POD field, (which is to say, one) I knows talent, and I thinks you can has it, with my help, of course. If you’re really serious about publishing, you should totally take me up on this offer. Cause like, there’s other POD writers charging as much as $20 for the same service. Just the other day, I saw NP making the same offer to pee on a manuscript for a dollar and a signed, flaming copy of TP IV. (Those are ultra-rare, and they don’t last long on the shelves, let me tell you!)

If you want my help, let me know. Oh, and I’m also free weekends to work as a clown for you children’s birthdays, now that the last family dropped the charges. Thank you, and go visit my web site.

Insincerely,

Zoe E. Whitten

Self-published Bish

Reminds me a little of something Kristy might have offered before her dues-paying organization, Next Generation Writers, crashed and burned.  Remember Kristy?  She was a real piece of work.

Dear Uncle Donald

Dear Uncle Donald,

I’m really soory I’ve been a bad boi, and I now your mad at me.  It wasnt my fault I drunk-dialed all those peopel late at night to harass them.  How was I supposed to know they had caller ID and woudl get our phone number?

Afew years ago, grammy said it was alright for me to post Keene’s and Janrae’s addresses and phone numbers on my blog.  The fact that grammy and mom called to harass that Frank woman.  What is worst their doing it or me.  Your blaming me for the same thing they did.  Just becasue people have caller ID and our number got out, you’re blaming me for all the phone calls were gettin.

Its not my fault we’re up against a much toughter crowd this time — they’re guys, and you know how mean all the guys were to me in high school.  Its no diffrent now.  Sure I bin sending them hate mail but I can’t get sent to the principles office ot detention or be suspended becasue I’m 32 not some scrawny freshman.  If I saw them on the street I’d kick their teeth in and puch them in the nose to.

You can’t hate a mentally disabled person with no impulse control its illegal.

Love,

Nick

Bookcase of Stones

My parody of Library of Bones is live on nickolausapacione.com, on this page.  I learned several things this evening in “Pacione Boot Camp.”

  • No matter how tempting it was to correct all my typos, I had to force myself to leave in a handful
  • It was painful to keep switching tenses within sentences
  • The more of these I try, the easier it gets to write sentences that are either nonsensical or highly ambiguous
  • I cannot force myself to drag out these parodies for even 1000 words, before my mind turns to aspic
  • First person parody is a lot more difficult for me to write than a third person “The Adventures Of Nicky” episode

If you have five minutes to spare and want to give it a read, be my guest.  Feel free to comment or critique it, if you wish.  Unlike you-know-who, I take criticism quite well.  I’m the first to admit that I don’t know how to write anything but research articles or technical documentation.  Fiction is, at best, a novelty for me.

Submission Guidelines

Snake Fossil Press is soliciting parody short story submissions for Issue 1 of Fossilized Snake Magazine.

Stories must be between 1200 and 2000 words, in MS Word .doc format using 12 point Times New Roman or Courier font, double-spaced, with 1″ margins.

The style of story for which we solicit parodies can be read here, here, or here.

If your story is accepted, payment will be in the form of a .pdf of the magazine. We cannot guarantee that we will personally reply to all submissions, but will reply to all authors whose stories are accepted. You retain the copyright to your story.

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The deadline for submissions is November 23/24 at midnight, U.S. Central time.