Ablert Zabaglione

The Morris Hairold

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR

Anti-Straight, Anti-Italian

By Ablert Zabaglione
Published February 3, 2010

COUNTLESS Americans were fooled by the “Iron Chef” episode that started off at the White House vegetable garden.  The folks at Food Network were in on the game.  It’s bad enough that the White House got itself involved in reality TV, but it all becomes clear when they use it to promote their hate-filled anti-straight agenda.

Rodney Jaleco of ABS-CBN North America (http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/pinoy-migration/01/04/10/filipina-white-house-cook-wins-iron-chef) reports:

“The “kitchen garden” has become the chief source of ingredients for the presidential dinner table and the White House has given away 1,000 pounds of excess produce to charity.”

Let’s bust a few myths.

There’s no way that garden could produce the “hundreds and hundreds” of pounds of fresh vegetables served at White House functions, as claimed by the press machine, let alone the thousands given away to charity.  As an expert gastronome and gardener, I think this claim deserves investigation.

The scaled layout of the garden (http://www.whitehouse.gov/assets/documents/garden_layout.pdf) shows that the entire garden, when you add in the raised beds, and subtract out the pathways, is only 910 square feet — and that includes all the nasturtiums and marigolds lining the paths.

What vegetables did FLOTUS command the elementary school kids to plant?  There were supposedly 55 varieties, including spinach, kale, cilantro and several varieties of lettuce — but no beets.  That’s just wrong.  No tomatoes.  Do POTUS and FLOTUS have a problem with blood colored vegetables?

Have you ever read the Burpee and Park Seed catalogs?  Radishes and rhubarb don’t count.  I’ll award half points for their bitterness and sourness, but they’re simply not high yield vegetables like pepperoni.

Now that the myth of crop yield has been busted, it’s time to examine the vegetables used in the highly promoted Iron Chef episode.

The vegetables used on “Iron Chef’s” season opener included fennels, collard greens, kale, rhubarbs, broccoli, watermelon and icicle radish, purple cauliflower and Japanese eggplant, among others.  The White House’s garden layout didn’t show any watermelon, cauliflower (purple or otherwise), sweet potatoes, or eggplant, although Food Network did focus for a long time on a shot of a long, skinny, purple eggplant.  And that watermelon radish?  This was supposed to be a cookoff, yet the White House blatantly used it to promote its gay agenda by focusing on sensuous, rainbow colored produce.  I didn’t know the Garden of Eden had all that pink and purple.

Turns out it doesn’t.  Lisa Krueger, a Food Network PR rep, explained:

“As we have told reporters who have covered this story from the beginning, due to the production delay between the shoot at the White House and the shoot at Food Network, the produce used in Kitchen Stadium during the “Super Chef Battle” was not actually from the White House garden. The actual vegetables used were locally sourced, and the chefs were only allowed to use the types of produce that they had harvested from the garden themselves.”

Busted.  The vegetables were ringers.

I must admit it was refreshing to see FLOTUS have enough respect for Mario Batali — the only Italian chef involved — to break out her best orange dress to match his Croc clogs.  Orange isn’t her best color, and it looked like it was made from some of Christopher Lowell’s leftover accent pillow fabric.  Then, FLOTUS held up a big sweet potato, effectively commanding that it be used.

Orange is fine for hunting gear, but for food, it really should be limited to candy corn.

Moving along to the competition itself, even the jury was suspect.  Actress Jane Seymour went on about her “insane” organic garden, as if that was what qualified her to be on the judging panel.  No, I tell you — it was her eyes.  The White House is all about diversity, so the judges were a chef, a swimmer, and an actress with one brown eye.  There wasn’t a single man on the panel.  Ted Allen should have been on that panel.

Of course the outcome was rigged.  The White House wouldn’t let an Italian beat a Filipina.  Despite Batali’s best attempt to disguise the sweet potato inside otherwise perfectly good ravioli, his team lost.  It sucked that Batali was teamed up with a beaver who routinely yells “BAM!” at his audience.

The White House really should do away with making appearances on unreality television, and diversify its own menu.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with gobs of mozzarella melted onto a circle of flat white dough.  Pizza’s the perfect all-American food.  You can dress it up in designer mushrooms one day, and down in sausage the next.  Burn it, and it can be as dark as you like.  Just be sure to keep the box from that 24″ pizza as a souvenir.

The anti-straight, anti-Italian White House has no right to push rainbow veggies on the country.  The only green on my plate should be the basil on my Margherita.  Purple, pink, and orange don’t belong in a grocery bag.  FLOTUS doesn’t belong in my kitchen.  And she doesn’t belong in my sleepsack.

A Satirical Piece

This is in keeping with the spirit of the parody pieces at the autoaim forum.  I didn’t bother trying to imitate Pacione’s meandering, redundant, error-riddled style, but the story’s pretty pointless.  It involves a supposedly haunted house, Africanized bees and vampire spiders at a scene that our intrepid investigative reporter incorrectly identifies as a crime scene.

I’ll save Pacionese for the 26th.  Besides, I have to be clear-headed for a meeting this afternoon, and writing like Pacione always gives me a headache.

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Steaming Bucket of Piss

After a three-day hiatus, Mr. Pacione burst onto the scene in a frenzy of activity. Today’s Blosgspot entry was composed in two parts. These were not, after all, emails or PMs to Peter Barnes. The entry was, however, in response to Mr. Barnes’ latest entry.

Listen up asshole, I guess you’re nothing but a coward who hides behind a fake name and a fake picture. Taking what I say out of context . . .

What’s out of context in quoting Mr. Pacione calling his own book “a bucket of scalding piss”? It’s a direct quote from Pacione’s blog entry.

I would really hate guess what your stomach contents would be if they performed an autopsy on you. Or if they were pump your stomach, god only knows what was in there.

Most likely, it’s a tasty dinner, perhaps with a glass of fine wine. Of course, that is not what Pacione means, homophobe that he is.

You claim yourself to be a profesisonal but the shit you’re doing on your blog is less than professionals. I guess you’ve been sucking Nelson Ford’s dick all night.

I seriously doubt the elusive Mr. Ford is any more gay than Mr. Barnes. Why bring up Ford at all? If he has a blog, I can’t find it.

Well the way I see it the fucker is hiding something of his own there just because he knows what will come out will be his funeral.

That sounds like another death threat. In case Pacione edits his entry again to remove that incriminating line, it is here for posterity.

Strangely Silent

Mr. Pacione has been strangely silent the past three days.  He has not even been seen on Temple of Dagon, DeviantArt, Nextcat, Spinetinglers, or Lulu.

In all fairness, I’ve never seen Pacione go for four straight weeks without losing steam.  His track record has been to spew venom for a week or two, then hibernate for a month.  The cycle then repeats.

Today, however, brings quite a treat.  It is not from Pacione, but from Peter Barnes, in the form of journalistic satire.  Read it here.  Warning:  do not take a sip of anything while reading.