I’ll Get You My Pretties!

ExposeTheTard writes:

I got an email the other day that was sent to myself and a few others complete with the picture below:

Subject: not even close to breaking me assholes

I feel neglected.  The only nasty-gram I’ve gotten from him was the $4000 PayPal invoice.   The rest of the entry is a copy of the email from Mr. Pacione.

You call yourselves “journalists” — come on, all you fucks are and consider yourselves to be faceless bloggers who are scared of the reality my name as an author . . .

I’ve never called myself a journalist; the term “investigative urinalist” is in my tagline.  One could call what I do on The Rusty Nail muckraking, but even that’s a stretch.

Noun 1. muckraking – the exposure of scandal (especially about public figures)

exposure – the disclosure of something secret; “they feared exposure of their campaign plans”

I don’t expose scandal, and Pacione is not a public figure.  I report what I know to be fact, and back it up with excerpts from Pacione himself.  Any speculation on my part is presented as such.

That might be too much information for you assholes to take in all at once, and you celebrate mid-list assholes who don’t deserve any acclaim.

I personally don’t celebrate any author, mid-list, NY Times bestseller, or otherwise.  I’ve given a few informal reviews to things I’ve read, and pointed out a few things that gave me pause.  They were honest, if sometimes hasty reviews.  I don’t have much of a feel for where the authors I’ve reviewed are on the food chain, to be honest.

ExposeTheTard has never given a review, and (s)he’s one of those who received the email in question.

It’s going to piss you off all the more that 2008 I will be getting a novel out there based off The FANDOM WRITER. That kind of story is written about fucks like you.

God spare us all.  A novel-length version of that laughable grudge-wank story about real authors is forthcoming?  It can’t possibly be about me, or ExposeTheTard.

I am going to take you assholes to hell, and prove that you fucks are going to see to it that I will never get a dime in this business.

That sentence doesn’t mean what he thinks it means.  It’s pretty much been proven that he’ll never makes a dime in publishing; he’s seen to that himself countless times.  That’s my favorite sentence of the whole email rant.

He Wants to Be the Next Danzig

ExposeTheTard has a new entry, with a few gems.

Yes, my ex referred to me as being a rat bastard; that is worst than being a sick bastard.

How so?  An average lab rat has cleanlier habits than Pacione.

What one had told me of the place is that the Marynole was not haunted — only that the teenagers of Glen Ellyn, Illinois had known otherwise about the place because of the ghost stories that were told about the old, Roman Catholic seminary about being watched by a dead priest in the shadows of the abandoned chapel.

Maryknoll Seminary was the subject of his story “Tales of an Abandoned Seminary.”  In a nutshell, Pacione trespassed, and all he found were some dead pigeons and headless dolls.

It was to my curiousity that I decided to take a look around inside of the infamos Marynole — I still remember what I had seen to this day, the images were straight out of an old horror tale written by H.P. Lovecraft or Robert Bloch.

Yes, dolls and pigeons are scary.

This place was also home of a Satanic Ritual, but the thing that drawn people to White’s Cemetery is that the churchyard had a phanton limoline — in fact, a friend of mine was chased by the phantasm throught the churchyard . . .

I think White’s Cemetery is the one from “Cuba Road.”  He ripped his jacket trying to climb over the fence.

If some would say that I am a bigot, ask my cousin Amie because she would understand why.

He sounds like he was raised in a family full of bigots.

Metal is the music that is in my heart and blood, if I could get a band going on the lines of Danzig I would be very happy.

This reminds me of the time on which he was talking about becoming “the throat” of some local band.  Seriously, he’s got the voice of a helium-inhaling gerbil.  He’s no more a musician than he is a writer.  He automatically thinks he has talent for anything he enjoys.  I’ve never seen him mention that he can actually play an instrument.  Even so, the vast majority of indie artists eke out a living by doing small gigs and teaching guitar or piano on the side.  Yet, in his mind, he’s entitled to make a living at anything that catches his fancy.

He’s One to Talk

For someone who writes a coherent sentence purely by accident, Mr. Pacione has some nerve ripping on someone else’s story.

. . . will say this much — the plot sucked, you
didn’t have much of a plot there and seems like this one was rushed.

[. . .]

You will not even begin the reach the levels
that I had worked 13 years at.

I don’t know sushisandwich, but I recognize the name from one of the communities at LJ, possibly Chicago_Gothic. I can’t read the story, but it’s a safe bet that it’s better than anything Pacione has written. He rips it for not having much of a plot. Most of his stories contain no plot whatsoever, and the few that do run along the lines of “I trespassed, poked around, got scared, and ran.” His own stories feel rushed; indeed, he brags about cranking them out in no time.

If I’d been writing for 13 years, you can bet I wouldn’t use the word “at” to end a sentence. That is taught in junior high, if not earlier.

*chants “Strunk and White”*

It is easy to say I am the American version of Simon when it comes to Literature.

Tell me another, please. This is outright delusional.

Lazy_Eyed_Psycho toys with Pacione in just the way that strokes his ego.

Do you have a lazy eye? I love Lazy Eyes!! I’m a psycho for them!! Nicky, you don’t mind f I call you that do you, I think you are HOT! I don’t know why these people are so antagonistic towards you, I think your writing is great, it’s so dark and gothic and scaary! They are all meanies!! Anyway, you should post more pictures of your face showing your lazy eye! I think it would be sexy!! Have you written a book? Cos I would love to read it!!

Bwahahaha! Excuse me while I kiss the porcelain throne.

B17e takes Pacione to task.

But damn, man, you need work too before your writing is good enough to justify criticism like that. You’re wordy as fuck with more extraneous, pointless phrases than I could ever hope to put


I am on disability because of my mental condition, the wild eye means I have the eyes that shift around everywhere. Some people think I am staring at them when I am not.

He’s possessed! I think we need an exorcism.


Pacione has a story up at WritersCafe titled “I.” It contains no fewer than 11 sentences that end with “of I,” “to I,” or “from I.” There are other sentences that embed those phrases in the middle. Even if Mr. Pacione were to learn the proper use of the word me, it wouldn’t change the fact that the story is about himself. They all are. Even “The Cabbie Homocide” is twisted around to be about himself.

“I” is also posted on AuthorsDen. It’s actually an old story from 2004. My guess is that Pacione just wants to fluff up his presence at WritersCafe by reposting old crap. There’s no date listed per se at WritersCafe, but it shows ©2007 at the bottom of the page.

Here’s a random line from the story:

Descending into the darkness one cannot begin to relate, not even the words that would come from I.

I wish I knew what that meant. Then again, maybe I am better off not knowing. As always, the story features a dream. Optional thematic elements include dust and children, but the children here aren’t chanting for their father Cthulhu. His stories read like the condiments section of an Indian menu. Pick any five of the dozen or so listed.

As Horrorgal points out, he’s been tinkering with his profile at WritersCafe.org. He wants all the single ladies out there to know he’s available.

The single bachelor is looking for a lady to be his Morticia Addams, (a minority in the genre being a single straight guy in the horror genre. Been single too damn long too, but eventually looking for the Mrs. Nickolaus Pacione. If that lady doesn’t mind the dark and mysterious type.)

If the lady doesn’t mind complete lack of personal hygiene and foul-smelling farts, Pacione’s her man.

He also lists “Flying Cigars” as being a “print exclusive” story, as well as a credit for specficworld.com’s webzine. That’s quite a trick.

I’m not sure what to make of this gem. He lists it in his “print exclusive”credits.

Ghosts In The Tornado — The Dark Magazine (reprint from Insomnia Magazine July / August 2007 then now being reprinted to Nickolaus Albert Pacione

All that tells me is that the same story is being printed in multiple places. I could use Kinko’s or Staples to do that.

Hertzy Comments

Nicky rules again with brilliant ideas:

I will be honest here — there been no way in hell I would be able to do a story for Chimeraworld 5. It would been a bitch to do.

[. . . ]

I made the stories work for Tabloid Purposes and I got a lot of good stories for Nickolaus Albert Pacione Delivers — I picked seven public domain stories too to show the readers where it all came from.

Stellar!  Mr. Pacione can’t get real submissions, so he goes for the public domain stories.

I always write a test story before I do the anthology in the direction I want it to go.

Where can I find those?  They are begging for a conglomerated shitty parody.  I ask too much, I know.

HTML Performed by Theo Wolfe

Mr. Pacione’s 1999 story “Loss of Blood,” explains why he used the alt TheoWolfe for a while. It was one I hadn’t seen before ExposeTheTard reeled off a list. This story explains the details of when he was assaulted in Mason City on February 9, 1999.

From this story, we learn:

  • that Theodore Wolfe is a pseudonym Pacione used
  • Pacione used to rat on others for smoking weed
  • his experience in Mason City was remarkably similar to his experience at Glenbard East
  • the way to hitch a ride in Mason City is to call the youth pastor
  • he once held a job in a store in which a large rat bit him
  • the incident happened in two separate locations
  • how to use both first person and third person references in a single sentence
  • that Pacione has incredible peripheral vision
  • he was working on his final revisions to the story on the day of the assault
  • how to spell his former fiancee’s name two different ways
  • that Pacione himself published his son’s and former fiancee’s names online, publicly

Continue reading

Nicky the Martyr

Again, I have ExposeTheTard to thank for this gem of a profile for Mr. Pacione, dating back eight years, to when he was 24, and hot to trot, ladies. Only Pacione would use his profile to post a rant.

The Basics
Member Name: urbanizedsin
Name: Nickolaus Albert Pacione
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Marital Status: Single and Looking
Occupation: webmaster, writer
Location: Morris, IL

[. . .]

Those that are from Hampton, Iowa, and openly are judgemental can go suck on a monkey’s genitialia. The staff at the Mason City Public Library can go to hell for banning my ass — you tried to kill my site by banning me, I was beat down in the name of the First. I am a martyr of free speech and press.

Martyr, my ass. He’s gotten so many of his accounts shut down because he has threatened many people and repeatedly violated TOS. I heard about the library incident years ago, but until now was unable to place a time frame to it. It had to have been 1999 or earlier.

I am gothic in my own right since I write of things that are dark, but at the same it could and has happened in reality. I write about people’s phobias.

No. He writes about his own phobias: arachnaphobia, claustrophobia, and apiphobia, to name a few. He also writes about his own mental illnesses. At various times, he’s described himself as “manic depressant,” bipolar, and megalomaniac. Paranoia and delusions come with the territory, so to speak, and he displays them in abundance, both in his blog entries and in his short stories.

He likes to write, but is not a professional writer. He has no professional credits. I like to play hockey, but that doesn’t make me Wayne Gretzky. I haven’t won a Stanley Cup. Winning a few pick-up games on the local pond doesn’t exactly count, any more than his “success” getting Lulu.com to print his dreck.


Janrae alerted me to this before it showed up in my feed reader. We have another double-header today, insipired no doubt by Nicky obsessing over the comments left on The Rusty Nail.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The guy named dudelove

That guy gets it. I am smiling wide because finally someone gets it. I might not have read Richard Laymon but I read some of his contemporaries. I was tipped off he’s a huge fan of the small press so I am going to point him to a few places where he can get some of my work in the print only medium.

It’s not clear to me whether Pacione’s referring to Dudelove or Laymon when he harps about “that guy gets it.” He may mean both of them. We all know how the tiniest ounce of praise, however phony, makes Nicky feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It’s funny how Nicky would never question someone’s motivation for praising him, yet he imagines all kinds of conspiracy plans the second someone suggests he use a Strunk & White.

Yes folks, Dudelove is god, and Mr. Laymon is still alive and interested in Pacione’s work. I do believe that was a rather large peccary that just flew past my office window.

The fact that some think Iuniverse and lulu.com became the downfall of an author’s career. Bullshit, it is the medium to allow authors to get anthologies out there and send them to another publisher and show them what the author has out there.

Pacione really doesn’t get it. An editor will take one look at a bound copy of someone’s self-published dreck and show the person the door. Proof-copies serve an altogether different purpose; Pacione’s talking about copies that are already for sale to the general public. It screams that: a) he knows nothing about the difference between a manuscript, a proof copy, and a self-published book already for sale to the general public, and b) “no legitimate publisher would acquire this, so I had to self-publish it through a printer.” It says a few other things as well, but I’ll leave it at that.