Once again, Peaches misspells his own name.
I find it difficult to believe that anybody would hire him to edit their work for any fee, let alone the $80/hour he’s asking.
May 6, 2014 by Rusty
Once again, Peaches misspells his own name.
I find it difficult to believe that anybody would hire him to edit their work for any fee, let alone the $80/hour he’s asking.
An editor would check narrative flow, realistic dialogue, plot holes, technical accuracy, spelling and grammar.
Nick’s idea of “editing” is what I call page layout or page makeup: cutting and pasting the author’s submission into Open Office and flowing the pages and experimenting with fonts.
All a prospective client needs to do is check out the Look Iside! samples of his books on Amazon or for example look here:
http://lousybookcovers.com/?p=424
a snark at the book cover for Nickolaus Albert Pacione Delivers: A Library Of Unknown Horrors and read Pacione’s over-the-top reaction to mild criticism or questioning.
Or check out his history of acting like correcting typos in authors’ names in his books’ tables of contents is such a big deal, the authors should save him the trouble by going to court and having their names changed.
They don’t even have to do that, all they need to do is read his about me, and see sterling examples like this: “I’m diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. this fully working when I got an account with WritersCafe.org in 2006.”
80$ an hour? Even if he had nobel prize winning contributions to literature I don’t think anyone would pay 80 dollars an hour! What world is he living in? I wouldn’t even pay him 0.08$ an hour to edit anything of mine.
Clearly he’s insane and needs to be committed. Either that or the rest of you editors need to up your fees to accomodate the market inflation!
That’s about the going rate for skilled labor, such as plumbers, HVAC guys, and auto mechanics around here. At least they went to vo-tech to learn their trade, unlike you know who.
Every now and then he still brings up Marc Lyth for being so difficult for wanting his name spelled correctly. The horror!
I think that is why people work to warn newbie, wannabe writers desperate to see themselves in print to stay away from Nick Pacione. Looking at his history, it seems that in his early days his enthusiasms for metal music and gothic horror could be infectious. But he is so unpredictable and vindictive, his touch is often toxic. (I have learned that one big hate started because Brian Keene rejected INSECT from horrorfind.com in 2004. I have read INSECT: now I know the origin of the phrase sporking one’s eyes out over reading a bad story.)
I was such a bastard to Nickypoos. Imagine how horrible it must be to have a contributor ask you to spell his name right…
Not to mention asking him why EG10 was called the Eternal Damnation edition on the front cover, but Eternal darkness edition on the back and the side covers…
How dare I want my story to be published in a well edited magazine.
I’ve still not heard back about my story Insect that I sent off a while back. It’s nearly 2 months now.
At one point in my story a bad poet called Lloyd Campbell gets a pencil stuck in his ear and kicked into the brain…
You almost destroyed his published career. After he had to yank your story (b/c correcting someone’s name is too damn hard) and for some reason he had to reformat all his pages that took days…or something. I dunno…but whatever you did it still haunts his nightmares.
His writing is so horrible yet fascinating in just how bad it is. I don’t think anyone could even fake being that bad.
Why fake it? Run your text through a translator from English to one foreign language to another back to English, and you too can write like Nick Ablert Pacine!
For funsies, I took took the freebie posted text of INSECT and ran it thru a translation site from Pacione to Spanish to German to French back to English. (I am retired and I have a lot of time on my hands.)
Opening line:
From this that eludes me which I pen this — as what I say what eludes me is sleep, and from the sleep becomes the etchings where the dreams begin.
Because I miss my pen this – as I said, what escapes me sleep, and sleep, engravings where dreams begin.
Closing lines:
That it would be described from the dream that it appears as a fog in middle of the winter months — and while the snow on the ground, the hornets proceed to attack the young and the old.
This would be the dream, described as a fog in the middle of winter seems – and in the snow on the ground, go Hornets, the young and the old attack.
Eerily, some sentences ended up like this:
In the dream as it is written; the words I described of them would remain as the shadow — an unwritten pattern; where it would be seen within the city of Wheaton, Illinois.
In the dream, as it is written; The words that I have just described, they remain as a shadow – an unwritten pattern; where it could be seen in the city of Wheaton, Illinois,
Those imply that to a statistical analysis translator robot, some sentences in Pacione are actually standard English enough to survive Pacione to Spanish to German to French to English translation almost intact. I was surprised.
That’s spot on!
“From this that eludes me which I pen this–as what I say what eludes me is sleep, and from the sleep become the etchings where the dreams begin. In them as they are typed…” Insect by Nickolaus Pacione.
How did he not win a Bram Stoker for this?
Brian Keene refused to accept INSECT for horrorfind.com in 2004 and robbed Paciione of the recognition he deserved.
http://unclefossil.wordpress.com/2013/07/03/the-one-where-no-one-got-along/
Reading Pacione works best when you speed read (“scan” or “skim” down the middle of the page) and let the random words suggest a story in your own imagination. I honestly suspect that that is what his few fans do.
I suspect they’re just as functionally illiterate as he is.
Does he really have fans anymore? I mean besides confirmed Nitwits? I only ask because I have yet to be approached by *anyone* defending the virtues of his so-called writing. No one has said a peep to me online or offline.
More to the point, did he ever have “fans” besides the ones in his head? I’m not convinced the other Nitwits are fans. Philbin’s been keeping a low profile, and Dagstine only pretends to be his buddy to troll him.
His “fans” are people who are too afraid to say anything negative about him out of fear of finding themselves in his crosshairs whenever he starts randomly attacking people in his mental Rolodex.
Or, they’re white knights outraged at all of the people laughing at the obviously mentally disabled “writer”.
The idea of showing too much sympathy for poor widdle Pacione reminds me of Al Wilson’s song “The Snake” 1968–gal takes pity on a frozen viper, takes him home, warms him up and he repays her by biting.
“”Oh shut up, silly woman,” said the reptile with a grin / “You knew damn well I was a snake before you took me in”” The waitresses wore that one out at the roadhouse where I used to hang.
The “white knight” types have never received threats of rape and arson from Nickypoo, so they simply blow it off as hyperbole or nonsense.
When I looked up his freebies on the net, some of the admittedly very old comments were like those to “Carnival of Carpathia” 2000 on authorsden.
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewShortStory.asp?AuthorID=8374&id=8717
I sometimes wondered if the commenters read the same story I did. I also noted the critical reviews tended to be more grammatical with fewer misspelled words than the enthusiastic ones.
I’m still waiting for his ‘fans’ to e-mail me to harass me like he wanted MONTHS ago on one of his blog posts where he posted my e-mail address.
DING DING DING!!!
*That was supposed to be in reply to Rusty’s comment in regard to Pacione’s “fans” being just as functionally illiterate as him! I won’t name names, but if you read their work you’ll see it for yourself! π
I’d gladly edit for a quarter of that, and I have had two actual editing jobs, one of which produced a couple of nominees for major awards in the mystery field. One story came within a whisker of winning a MacAvity. Not quite an Edgar, I know, but not too shabby. I also counted J.A. Konrath in my ‘roster’, among others, which beats anything Nikki Nippledick can boast of all hollow. And I have a college degree – a BA in History to be exact, work experience in a variety of fields, mountains of reference material in a library of over 10,000 books, magazines and other stuff, and I dance a damn mean rumba. Hell, if Nikki is worth $80 an hour, I’ve got to be worth several fucking thousand!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6ivsVThGgQ&feature=youtu.be
The lil giggle he gives when talking about Mike Brendan not wearing underwear under his kilt is disturbing. He’s way way too obsessed with thinking about that.
Damn. He really does seem to have had a stroke. And I say that due to his face, and not his meandering train of thought… that’s always been there.
He doesn’t get that wearing a kilt is anything but scandalous, nor does he grok exactly how kilts are worn. He’s quite stupid like that.
As for his steel toed boot comment, the last thing an idiot like him should do is threaten a karateka with such an attack.
“I try immigrant and not wash I’m right the car wash out” – 1:30, classic captioning there.
I rather like the imagery of Mr. Campbell packing a razor. π
His publishing career keeps getting longer and longer. He’s up to 24 years now? So…he started PUBLISHING (note: not writing) at what age 12? 12+24 = 36 which is his current age now right? And he still can’t spell his own name correctly or be arsed to write coherently…Hell he can’t even speak coherently! Even when he’s ON his meds!
Yeah, who knows for sure. His email Np1976 is his initials and birthdate, so I guess he is 2014-1976 either 38 or 37. He apparently started writing at fourteen, maybe the famous journal. Actually first published by legend on his birthday at age 19 according to a Gary Stu story of his. His first publication as editor and publisher had to be after that, I think.
The Amazon page on Lake Fossil Press includes Pacione’s blurb “Lake Fossil Press is the fagship company of Nickolaus Albert Pacione.” (Calling Dr. Freud.) The oldest publication by Pacione that Amazon lists is the first Tabloid Purposes as 16 Sep 2004 (“From the Author: this is my debut as an editor….”) They list “Reality Check” (edited by Thomas Long, Jr.) as the oldest appearance of Pacione in a non-self-pub venue 11 Sep 2004, with “Bite of the Spider” when he was 28.
Nicky and math are enemies!
He needs the $80 to pay the 6 imaginary editors who will will doing the work for him!
Who will be doing….I need an editor myself it looks like!
Also, I feel like punching myself in the face every time he mentions his birthday. I was born on Good Friday, but guess what? That hasn’t given me any kind of “in” with Jesus.
Michael Bloomberg (Mayor of NYC, food nanny, and staunch anti second amendment organizer) believes he’s got an express ticket to heaven, even though he doesn’t necessarily think heaven exists. In his case, though, he bases his belief not on his birthday, but on his self-righteousness.
In the interest of fairness and accuracy,
βI am telling you if there is a God, when I get to heaven Iβm not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in heaven. Itβs not even close.β Mike Bloomberg NYT 16 Apr 2014
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/04/16/us/bloomberg-plans-a-50-million-challenge-to-the-nra.html?ref=politics
While they have self-righteousness in common, the difference in power between Nick and Mike tho’ is astronomical.
Okay, then — VIP ticket.
I’m just taking a poke in the dark here, but I suspect our boy Nicky believes an editing job will take approximately one hour to finish–after all, it’s all about choosing fancy fonts, right?–so in his little mind, he believes $80 to be about right for his efforts.
Your are probably correct. I found in exposethetard archives that 27 Nov 2008 Pacione advertised his services as “Editor and Layout Specialist …. for higher to writers who want to publish….” He would design a 200 page book, paperback or hardcover, for a flat $65 fee. I hope for their sake no one was high enough to “higher” such an editor.
Let’s pretend for a moment that his rates have remained as stagnant as the rest of the U.S. economy since 2008. At $80/hour ($1.33 radicand/min.), he’d edit and do layout for that imaginary 200 page book in 48 minutes, 45 seconds! Astonishing.
*Off Topic comment,
Hey Rusty, my husband bought me a “Medinilla Magnifica” for Mother’s Day and it sorta looks like an orchid, and is planted in similar material as orchids. I’ve not experienced much success with orchids in the past, and my hubby paid so much for it, (he forgot to remove the price sticker from the pot it came in) I’d like to really try and keep this one alive. π Are you familiar with it and do you have any advice since we’re in the same zone? I get not to over water it, but aside from that I’ve got nothing. π
It’s a very large and gorgeous plant!
I’ve never heard of it. Evidently, it’s native to the Philippines, and introduced to the U.S. as a houseplant fairly recently. It’s no more an orchid than an Epiphyllum (aka “orchid cactus”) is, despite one of its common names. It’s a tropical houseplant that would probably do fine outdoors for the summer in a semi-shady location, but come back indoors for the winter.
http://www.guide-to-houseplants.com/medinilla-magnifica.html
Apparently, it wants high humidity and a somewhat drier rest over the winter. I typically set such things in trays filled with clay aggregate pellets, but a saucer filled with gravel, topped off with water every few days would probably work fine. I’m not a fan of misting plants indoors unless the relative humidity is low enough that the leaves won’t stay wet for long. The idea is to not let it sit in water, but allow water to evaporate around the plant.
Best of luck with it. The pictures I’ve seen via search engine look really pretty.
Thanks! Yeah, the flowers didn’t look like orchids, but the leaves and the soil reminded me of an orchid. If it didn’t have the flowers I would’ve totally thought it was one. π
We carefully repotted it because it was very root bound, into a mix of peat moss and orchid bark, with some pebbles thrown into the bottom of the pot first for drainage. I figured it needed to stay more on the dry side. It will be watered from the bottom, and I’ll let it dry out in between waterings. I bought a wooden barstool for it to sit near the window in my kitchen, plenty of indirect sunlight there for it! My kitty Max better not think about playing with those trailing flowers or he’ll get a spanking! π I see that it’s still pretty rare to find one here in the US, so I’m under pressure to make sure this one survives! Love it so much!
It’s an epiphyte, like many species of orchids, which is probably why it was planted in an orchid-y type mix.