Hat tip: Minotaurman
This email I received was hilarious. Minus the headers, here it is, in all its glory. “Choice morsels” simply will not do it justice.
Copy pasted from Nicky’s FB. I didn’t want to post all these, figuring I’d let you pick and choose which choice morsels to use.I attempted to translate the Pacionese into English and I think I have a fairly good interpretation.
Nickolaus Pacione I just fell into the Goth subculture by accident but I tend to be more at home in heavy metal because I grew up listening to thrash metal and discovered Industrial Metal and Doom Metal in college. They lumped me into Gothic because of my atmospheres. I am the most classically influenced of the Darkened Horizons authors — the perfect score for that story would be Beauty In The Suffering doing Mozart.Translation: I don’t know anything about Goth subculture. I watched the Crow a few times, and figured I knew what Goth and dark culture was because all my Heavy metal music says GOTH like nothing else. Also…he went to college?
Nickolaus Pacione My grad class – my 10 year reunion I actually left them with a taste of darkness, actually blasting GRIGORI 3‘s demo as the second to last song of the night.
Translation: I whined and begged and wheedled the DJ to put this awful band on, despite classmates protests. Great some of these people say I made death threats — that’s bullshit.
Nickolaus Pacione It is because I called out the leader of The Werewolf Order actually challenging him to a fight because he said that the disabled need to be obliterated. I saw that video on youtube.com and got pissed off.Translation: I’m an internet tough guy, so I challenged a guy to a fight knowing he’d never show up since unlike all the people I scream at: I never post my real address!And here’s the priceless gem of the bunchAny of you guys who went to Glenbard East High School class of 1994 interested in submitting for a true paranormal account anthology email me at my new personal e-mail address at illinoishorrorman@gmx.com — I will have the guidelines completely written out here and I will send a contributor copy with one of you to scare the crap out of Danny Mowrer as he’s a townie bastard who walked the same five blocks his whole life. I looked up the domain for the reunion, his parents address. I think I will do one of my own where you guys are going to hang out with my friends Mykil Grim, Drake Mefestta and Ron Fitzgeralds Realm — how would you guys like to meet them?He said he didn’t want to hear the Gothic revival crap — well for me it is about bringing obscure horror to the masses for almost 14 years either as an e-zine editor or an anthology publisher. I will have the GLs and the full details for this project as Kurt Schuett actually saw this story I wrote for the project. I sort of want to do this for his high school he teaches at as he’s a Poe Head (his words not mine. He was impressed I actually got H. P. Lovecraft in the high school library — and I will take the selected roster for this project on an actual ghost hunt. I will take you guys past my apartment in Justice, Illinois as this is where I had actually seen Resurrection Mary actually walking around in my dining room.)
Translation: My High School Reunion leader snubbed me and blocked me, so now I’m trying to hijack my own highschool reunion. I know all you people I hated back in school, whom I rant about now would much rather hang out with my unwashed self and these other guys you don’t know,instead of people you actually like and care about from high school!Oh yeah plug my book! Send in your stuff so I can publish it for free and get more cred. Since its free you won’t get any money anyway! I’m just going to take your precious thoughts and writing and spew it out there on the net the way I masturbate on forums and other social media.Oh as another added bonus I’ll let you see my old dwelling where a ghost is supposed to live. You’ll have to drive me though, cause I don’t have a bus pass or cab fare. Oh and did I tell you how Goth and awesome I am? I asked a librarian for HP Lovecraft and she actually listened to me and ME ALONE.I think that about sums that up. I started getting a migraine at the wall of vomitous text he spews up.
Looks like he’s cranking up another tumblring twitstorm too. This morning’s catch phrases seem to be “degrading the learning disabled” and “committing career suicide”
And Fossil Lake ruined his birthday, or something. I’m too tired to try and figure out that bit.
Giggling at him saying it’s a ghost hunt….when all they’re going to do is drive past the place that is supposedly haunted.
Of course one of them would have to drive him. If any of you have read Apt 2W it makes it even all the more funnier. He wets himself over anything.
His classmates are still making fun of him on their page. I’d almost feel sorry for him…but he pushed it way too far.
This is titled as a story…but it just sounds like one long rant. There’s no real story substance to it at all. Just an endless tirade at people.
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/UncleFossil/1301873/
And yes he has posted it as a freebie, so help yourself to a free cup of bile.
btw hullabaloo wolfowitz is a wikipedia editor. I checked and he had to keep deleting crap nicky added about himself to carlton mellick’s page.
I have to wonder if Carlton desires any known association with Nicky. I guess Nicky is trying to be famous by proximity by mentioning Carlton in his stuff.
I live in Texas…but I’d hate to be associated with Lee Harvey Oswald, Charles Whitman or David Koresh.
Actually…Carlton Mellick III is credited with being born in Phoenix, Arizona and living in Portland Oregon. So…where does Nicky come from in saying “we have our own”? Is Nicky saying “My stuff is just as good as Carlton Mellick III’s!”?
If anything, Carlton is probably closer to The 50 Foot Ant in geographic proximity if not literary value.
I think Nicky is implying that one of the people who submitted stuff to him is as good as Mellick.
The stuff Nicky added was all about a gross out contest where mellick supposedly said “anal butter.” Nicky previously was asking for screen caps if anyone recorded this as he called it a gross-out contest Mellick won. This is all in Nicky’s head. Most likely some jabs were being made and Nicky wasn’t involved at all- and someone interjected and made it all about himself.
Nicky reads the slightest bond with someone. All I can figure is they were in the same chatroom years ago, and he responded to something Nicky said. I guess it’s the schizophrenia- he is making some strange connections to people lately.
Along those lines, he’s jumping all over Amy Grech lately, on Twitter and on Tumblr, because she retweeted one of Brian Keene’s tweets that contained a link to Nicky’s 14 page .pdf “guidelines.” Oddly, Amy was one of the few people on Shocklines who never lost her temper with Nicky or Larry, or got snarky with them.
My understanding is that Mellick knows all about Nickypoo, and shares our opinion of him. Whether he’s aware that Nicky’s trying to ride his coattails, I don’t know.
Ordinarily I would think it a good thing to get an endorsement from someone else…unless of course it was someone like Nicky.
That’d be the equivalent of manufacturing a microwave oven and being endorsed by the KKK…
“My understanding is that Mellick knows all about Nickypoo, and shares our opinion of him.”
Yes – this.
I wonder if Nicky would be glombing Carlton Mellick so much if he knew Brian Keene and Mellick are friends. In fact, Keene wrote the forward to one of Mellick’s books: http://amzn.to/1fxZwHA
Not just Mellick’s page, feel free to laugh at Nicky trying to hang on coattails at Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Np1976
Speaking of desperation, Nicky is apparently desperate for contributors to his latest waste of time — he’s solicited me twice for a contribution in his own special way.
From 25 January, Re: “What is the truth in your eyes you By-Blow Abortion?”
And from the 27th, Re: “all right you little homo”
Now that is the antithesis of professionalism, right there folks.
I wrote “Finding Miss Fossie” in open office does that make me an editor too?
I just finishing reading that, and it was hilarious!
Thank you very much! 😀
My take on what nicky thinks creative non fiction is that it’s sort of like urban legends or big fish tales. They may or may not have really happened, and more than likely 99% of the story is totally made up, with just a smidgeon of truth to make it believable.
He keeps using that term: Creative Nonfiction. I’m a bit confused at what it means. What it sounds like is adding a spin on nonfiction.
For example the nonfiction would be: Abraham Lincoln was shot by John Wilkes Booth.
Then the Creative Nonfiction would be: Booth approached stealthily from behind the enraptured president. He pulled his pistol and cocked the curved firing hammer back. As the light gleamed on the barrel of his assassin’s tool, he fired a blast of blazing lead, spiraling into the back of Mr. Lincoln’s skull, shattering bone and brain.
Is…that about right?
He uses other strange terms too like: Metalfiction. Is that where people just make things up about periodic table elements? “Iron lusts for the touch of gold’s tender flakes…”
Or perhaps it is making up things about heavy metal bands. “Metallica loves their audiences and enjoys sharing their music for free on the internet. They are so poor and humble that truly all people should worship their attitudes and sing their praises for the enlightening and wonderful new material they have produced since the black album.” Could you sense that last one just oozing sarcasm?
And then there’s Urbanfiction. “The other day I wore a suit made of 100 dollar bills, whilst carrying a large bag of assorted drugs. I strolled casually through Compton Heights, and not one single individual accosted me nor looked at me with any regard.”
Anyone have any ideas what he’s talking about?
He’s just trying to come up with official-sounding categories for the senseless shit he writes, in hopes of having some cred and legitimacy. Then he can challenge others to write in those categories, but since they’re so ill-defined, he won’t have to admit that anybody does, let alone does way better than he could ever do. It’s more of his usual desperate failing scramble for relevance.
So you can be a cool, horror writer if you make up genres like…let me see…. I want to be the darkest of dark horror writers with vivid prose and literary references….so I will coin the term: Blackened Darkfiction….Sounds like a Cajun dish… “Say waiter how’s the blackened Darkfiction here?”
I live in a rural area so I could say I write countryfried fiction? or to go with the food theme chicken fried fiction 😀
I’ll coin Haggis fiction then, I mince up whatever elements I can find to hand, stuff them into the torn out stomach of genre fiction and try to pass the whole thing off as entertainment.
Guess I better call official dibsies on VIKINGPUNK, then!
Country fried fiction- I actually like the ring to that Melany 🙂
the possibilities! Scarecrows, creepy crop or acreage settings, farm animals gone mad! scary farm implements in run down barns
I suspect he considers “creative nonfiction” to be akin to those TV shows that dramatize, say, crime stories, or the retelling of paranormal encounters. Those shows play fast and loose with what facts are known, and/or what people remember about the event. He loves to watch that sort of thing on TV, and likely considers what he calls creative nonfiction to be the literary equivalent.
Ha! Yeh, I was thinking of that show where celebrities give their personal ghost stories. That’s Nicky, so original. If a teacher had their middle school students do an anthology of ghost stories that would be rather cute and an enjoyable read. There’s something about a man pushing 40 trying to get his classmates (and those of schools that were near him) give him ghost stories that is really sad and disturbing.
Ah yes….and Nicky’s obsession with a book of ‘scary stories’ of the type only 6 or 7 year olds would find scary if told around a camp fire.
Mike, I’m perplexed why he has zeroed in on you so much. I figured with Brian and Mary it is b/c he was jealous of their publishing history. As you said you hadn’t published much yet (and I doubt he read what you did write)- I thought perhaps it was an education inferiority complex. His education keeps multiplying just like his books in the Poe Museum. It seems he merely went for a semester and failed out of it, hardly a credit one would use. All I can think of is your wit burns into him more than anyone and he is desparate to prove himself. Or..he’s hot for you (with all your talk of working out).
Am I missing a back story on this?
I think it started with guilt by association. Mary and I were classmates at Seton Hill’s writing program (Her novel, “The Hollower” is also her M.A. thesis, and if you haven’t read it, do so).
Since first hearing about Nikki, I’ve had tangles with him on a couple of boards. (Other Dark Place, Shocklines), and one of my first works of fiction after graduation sold to a professional market. I’ve also used my blog for book reviews, and writing commentary, but I think the one item that really set him off was my essay The Egoless Writer which was back in his (and mine) LiveJournal days.
He is convinced that this whole essay is a dig at him. Since then I’ve been one of his more hated enemies. Not that it worries me much…
He’s hot for Mike. 😀
I’m inclined to agree with you Karen. I’ll have to check out this essay, but I have a feeling there’s more to Mike than just his writing that Nick likes.
Thank you both. Now I have to bleach my brain, remove my epidermis and burn it. 😛
My latest posting over there:
“Mr Pacione, to quote your latest email to me: “I don’t see movies made from your work pal.”
I’m afraid that’s just more evidence of your imperceptiveness.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0222368/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_7
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0608333/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_6
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0303021/?ref_=nm_flmg_wr_5
Do you honestly need to delete this when it is simple fact? May your God help you.”
Thank you Mr. Campbell. I am snowed in from work today and have added The Nameless to my Netflix queue. I really enjoyed the word play in The Count of Eleven, so I should thank Nicky for introducing me to your work.
Mr. Campbell’s replies to Nicky are so smooth, its like watching water roll off a duck’s back. And without the use of gratuitous profanity! Bravo Mr. Campbell!
I have some *very* vague recollections of that so-called “gross out” contest. I can’t be entirely certain, but I think it’s to do with an extremely brief kerfuffle at Shocklines last year. Nicky was on the board, making a nuisance of himself as he does and trying to prove what a tough guy he is, and I believe Carlton swooped in and gave him a brief and brutal smackdown using some grown-up words. I do believe that became the infamous “contest” he now crows about, and he’s still reeling from its effects. As is typical Nikita, much ado about nothing.
That makes sense. Nicky could trip over a rucksack in a hallway in front of some kid’s locker, and retell it as if it were the War of the Roses.
You mean a ‘sleepsack’ right? 😛
You give Nicky’s story telling skills waaaaay to much credit. 🙂
Alright alright — War of the Roses, as retold by a four year old who recalls only that it was epic, and involved many casualties and executions.