Hat tip: Just Me
La Femme Nikita thought it would be a smashing idea to upload one of his short stories to Project Gutenberg. The .pdf is available for download here. Nicky announced his triumph on Twitter.
Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. — Friedrich Nietzsche
Nicky has had an obsession with this quote for many years, and has, at various times, quoted pieces of it, without quoting it in its entirety. Typically, he does so as a warning to others to stop reacting to his death threats, and whatnot. Of course, it could be interpreted as “don’t become what I am.” However, Nicky has never acknowledged his own monstrous behavior as inappropriate, which renders that theory invalid.
That first sentence needs editing for more than the typo. The O and A are nowhere near each other on a keyboard. The last sentence simply trails off into oblivion. Perhaps he exceeded a character limit? At least he spelled his name correctly.
I suggest that anyone who wishes to tackle his 5-1/2 page monstrosity read it while playing Handel’s Water Music, Suite No.2 in D major.
It won’t make Nicky’s story any less nonsensical, but at least you’ll have something cheerfully upbeat to distract your attention. I’ve formatted some text in red for emphasis.
Excuses as one collects; everything they fabricate becomes everything someone believes as they hang on every other word. One lie leads to destruction of another man – a question we see coming to mind; how many collate and then trim and past a plethora of statements to make someone look like they’re criminal.
“How do you mean?”
Small town busy bodies calling their version of Barney Fife within their nonfictional version of Mayberry – unable to handle little bit of controversy when it comes to when they seek out monsters; don’t they realize they do that. They do end up becoming one…
Yest ye become one as Nietzsche had warned us.
That’s the history of Chicago for you; seeking out monsters.
Chasing an urban legend or two; or that’s how it goes or follows.
When one is chasing old news articles and capturing classmate’s adult infamies; I don’t always know when to capture their nightmarish traits as some things become the territory of those who feel brimstone and fire engulfing their lungs. A realization what happens when they had been bit in half or had a limb chewed off in the waters of Lake Michigan by our urban legend in the waters.
Our world as I realize, yest ye become one…
Becoming what Nietzsche warned us about.
#SemicolonsMatter #GrammarMatters #SpellingMatters #MisquotesSuck
Lest, or yeast? Yeast certainly matters to brewers and bakers. The “rapid rise” variety works wonders for a Sally Lunn when the ambient temperature in the kitchen is 58F in the dead of winter, but I would use the ordinary kind for pizza dough in summer.
What is this creeping at the thought you out – if you nod you know exactly what I am speaking about as this one has flesh and teeth?
If you’re a classmate this narrative may save your life knowing our urban legend is a living thing but doesn’t speak; though very real and its siblings were found in the Mississippi River near Alton, Illinois.
Um … WUT? Creeping at the thought you out? Maybe Nicky’s thoughts have flesh and teeth, but mine don’t. Urban legends live, but don’t speak. Perhaps he’s referring to himself? He does make noise that can’t really be interpreted as speech. Plus, he’s a legend in his own mind. Do suburban legends live, or do they sit there flapping in the breeze like burned out summer lawns?
Speculation and imagination become fodder for speculative fiction writers …
You don’t say! I never would have guessed.
So, when are we going to get into the actual story?
The lake one swims in Nietzsche had the cryptic warning, yest ye become one as the monster glides under the freshwater inland sea. The world within the imagination born of urban legend among the things dwelling of horror how Dagon had five gills on each side of him along with 12 inch dorsal fin protruding from the water – does one really want 300 lbs of bad attitude clamping down upon their limbs. Dagon here is not the creature aka the demi-God from H. P. Lovecraft’s work or the Fish-God from the mythology of the ancient past as I relate but the urban legend who emerged in 1955 where it’s frighteningly plausible.
Yest ye become one – what is this he speaks of?
A lake has a warning. An urban legend is a “who.” More yeast! This story needs MOAR YEAST! Again, when are we going to get to the story?
Do I speak of mad bullshit …
No, he doesn’t speak of it; he just speaks it. There’s still no story here, and I’m halfway through it.
Though the things I relate drawn from real life and real histories of the area.
The thing I relate seek them out yest ye become one is a warning of some form.
The first isn’t a sentence per se. The second should be either “things I relate seek” or “thing I relate seeks.” And, we have more yeast! At least yeast is more interesting than this story, which, so far, he has yet to relate.
To the world of fucking disenchantment I welcome ya to as I am sure some may have nightmares about what lingers from the glassy surface as murky as it gets in July and in March the waves crash about 11 feet high.
Only Nicky has nightmares about how high waves on Lake Michigan can get in winter. I suspect he has nightmares about fireflies and katydids.
What is that I speak of?
Beats the hell out of me.
Think about that one a minute as a gang banger had called himself this within his own autobiography.
He called himself what? We never do get the answer to that.
Seek out them yest ye become one as the urban legend lingers within our psyche; they are not always invisible either.
What’s not always invisible? The urban legend, or “our psyche”? Fine. The urban legend looks like a bull shark. Whoop-de-do. What does our collective psyche look like? A spider? A gordian knot? A black hole?
“You’re full of shit?”
“Really – it’s plausible as they found a bull shark in the Ohio River!”
“DO YOU WANT TO MEET THAT BIG MOTHERFUCKER UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL?” I will reply as a retort… We have a gliding 198 lbs and six foot long urban legend in the water.
A couple of pages and two minutes ago, it was 300 lbs. That’s some diet it’s following. We know Nicky can’t be referring to himself, because he’s terrified of water — and soap.
This isn’t South Wales where you see them often off the beach, this is Chicago where the urban legend dwells and we have that urban legend and it’s nothing but flesh and teeth.
I’m nearly finished with this “story” of Nicky’s. I’d say it’s all tell and no show, except that would be giving him too much credit for the tell part. He can’t even do that properly. Here’s the image I get so far of his story:
That’s one very sad looking blob fish. Poor fish. Poor story. They don’t get any respect. The fish at least seems to be aware of it. The author of the story thinks it’s so wonderful that it belongs in the Gutenberg archive.
One may never know when one with flesh and teeth starts chewing on someone’s ass and leaving nothing but muscle and bone behind. 190 lbs of nasty attitude when there is nothing but tough tissue and flesh that goes one way it scrapes like sandpaper.
C’mon — is it 300 lbs., 189 lbs., or 190 lbs.? Maybe that extra pound is from water retention? Assuming the bull shark chewed on someone’s ass, but left the muscle and bone, wouldn’t it have only gotten a mouthful of skin, fat, and a few blood vessels? Maybe that accounts for the 1 lb. weight gain.
When you’re a kid from Chicago; for many years I thought I had made this urban legend up as a joke in chatrooms though when the realization stands before me – it’s been there for years as it gazed back up into me.
Mercifully, that was his final sentence. He never did get around to actually telling a story, but that’s nearly always the case with his writing. Nicky is incapable of making up anything but lies about his perceived enemies. Anything he uses as fodder for his “stories” is something he either read about, or saw on TV. His abuse of semicolons is really annoying. He never used them in his older writing. Lately, he’s been misusing them in everything he writes, from blog entries to “stories.”
Phew! My brain cells will take some time to recover, but I think I survived that.
Wasn’t there a popular soap by the name of Yes or some such back in the 80s? Yeah, that’s what I keep thinking of. But yeast…yum, I’m off to make some artisan bread.
Zest?
Hmmm, one of the largest Great White sharks is a little over 20 feet long and weights approximately 5,000 lbs. Her name is Great Blue, and she’s a magnificent 50 year old lady! Her dorsal fin is about a foot high, give or take. I understand little Nicky is trying to claim the shark in Lake Michigan is a Bull shark, but he gets everything wrong. A shark sporting a dorsal fin of that size would be significantly larger than 300 lbs. 300 lbs is not even a big deal! The average 15 ft shark weighs a few hundred lbs. Another thing, I’m not sure what the “urban legend” is concerning a shark in Lake Michigan, but I do know that not all fresh water sharks are Bull sharks. There is a type of shark that was recently (I think within the last 40 years) discovered in the St. Lawrence river that lives full time there in fresh water. I’ll have to look it up, but I specifically remember it being a big deal years ago. Thing is, THAT shark might fit the 190 lb profile attributed by Nickypoo, since the shark that was recently discovered is pretty small and not a killer, but that type of shark is possibly found in the lake. (About the same size as those little sand sharks you sometimes swim amongst at Island Beach State Park in NJ.) 🙂
I meant to type 12 ft shark, not 15 ft shark…but it doesn’t really matter. 12 or 15 ft is likely to weight a lot more than 300 lbs.
Love it…the ‘yest’ is almost as epic as Hitler’s evil twin HiLter in Nicky’s bad crow fan fic!
NAP has blogged “Christine Morgan is Adolf Hilter in my eyes” and “Brian Keene is the Adolf Hilter of the publishing industry”. He mentions Hilter in “Legend Keeper” and Lloyd Phillip Campbell mentions Hilter in “Horror Target” EG11. He also spells the name of the translator of The Iliad, Butler, as Bulter more often than he gets it right. NAP may be lexdysic.
Or, he might be just plain old insane.
Or he might be referring to Mr Hilter, the National Bocialist candidate for the North Minehead By-Election. Mr Hilter (Cleese) assisted by Heinrich Bimmler (Palin) and Ron Vibbentrop (Chapman)…
Or me might just be an eejit.
Found it, the sharks are Greenland sharks. They can grow quite large, but the records show those large sized ones were caught in the Atlantic ocean. the ones that are generally sighted in the St. Lawrence range much smaller, but according to one article I read, an 11 ft Greenland shark still weights at least twice Nicky’s numbers. (An 11 footer was caught in the Gulf of Maine, still not close enough to get into Lake Michigan.) Also, they don’t have much of a dorsal fin. The water is too cold for Bull sharks or Great Whites. Also, large sharks cannot make it into Lake Michigan because there are a significant number of obstacles that would prevent it. There is no evidence that there is a native species of large shark in the lake that has survived since the lake was formed.
But, you’re not suspending your disbelief for long enough to go with Nicky’s non-story! /snark
Jeremy Wade of River Monsters fame theorized the loch ness monster may be a greenland shark, but he he probably did a little more research than a 2 second google and making it up as he went along. It did make for an interesting episode of his show, though.
As far as I am concerned the last word on the Loch Ness monster is Werner Herzog’s film “Incident at Loch Ness” 2004.
We all put the yeast in…
That reminds me of the last angel food cake I made. No yeast was involved, but it did develop a muffin top in the oven that made it hard to carve out of the pan when it cooled.
“Seek not monsters yest ye become one.” — Nietzsche Ablert Paciione.
It has been a slow morning at home, and idle hands ….
I saved the text (pages 3 to 7) from the PDF of
“Yest Ye Become One.
“Written by Nickolaus A. Pacione”
C:> findstrg /i yestye.txt yest lest
* 16 Found at EOF. yestye.txt 16¦yest¦
No instances found of “lest”. At least Pacione is consistent. Yes, there is a period on the end of his title; I know sharks are a bloody issue, but an extraneous period?
Yest we lose sight, people, it is true. Bull sharks from the Gulf of Mexico have been spotted in the Mississippi River as far north as Alton Illinois; state conservation dept. records show Herbert Cope and Dudge Collins caught a 5 ft 84 lb bull shark in 1937. Bull sharks do like to live in rivers like the Mississippi or Amazon, but they have to return to salt water to sexually mature, so a sustainable population should not be possible in Lake Michigan.
Pacione: “…some kept the urban legend hushed because they may have seen the boy with the mangled limbs walking out of the water.” According to the sources I found, there was a 1955 attack reported on Lake Michigan near Chicago: victim George Lawson lost most of his right leg while swimming, pulled out of the water by boater John Adler, witnesses confirmed it was a shark.
Sharks have been reported in or near Lake Michigan, but rarely.
Pacione’s “Dagon” is based on a year-old WGN news report showing an unconfirmed fin sighting in Lake Michigan near Chicago. That was tied to the 1937 capture of a bull shark in Alton Illinois to ask “Is there a bull shark in Lake Michigan?” (Could be a goth lost a black trapper keeper while boating.)
One unconfirmed sighting in Lake Michigan a year ago, one non-fatal attack sixty years ago, one Mississippi River capture seventy-eight years ago. ‘Tis enough for Pacione’s ramble about Dagon the Urban Legend Chicago Pet Bull Shark of Lake Michigan without really telling a story. As a story “Yest Ye…” is as bad as INSECT: repetition ending nowhere.
“… how far a Bull Shark can swim up river or through the St. Lawrence.”–NAP
As far as St. Lawrence Seaway goes, that’s upstream to Lake Ontario, then to Lake Erie, then to Lake Superior, to get to Lake Michigan. My son and daughter-in-law vacationed to Niagra Falls this summer; they did not see sharks leaping Niagra Falls. On the other hand, bull sharks have been reported accompanying ships through canal locks to reach fresh water. I am not sure, though, if the bull shark range as far north as the mouth of the St. Lawrence.
There is no direct connection between Mississippi River and Lake Michigan. Bull sharks have been reported leaping rapids like salmon do. Supposedly since the 1937 capture and 1955 attack, Illinois has installed barriers in its waterways to prevent sharks (or other invasive species) from migrating upstream from the Mississippi River into Lake Michigan.
“… when the Chicago Cubs has their Word Series Ring….”
I would suggest that Pacione edit his stuff before publishing (…have their World…), but his idea of editing is to use more than one word processor to go back and add new crap without correcting any mistakes in the old crap.
You know what would be funnier than Nicky visiting Alton, IL (to which he’s never been)? It would be him visiting Arthur, IL. He’d flip off every Amish or Mennonite person driving a buggy, or riding a bicycle, instead of returning a “hello” wave.
It’s a stretch for him to be able to get to Arthur, or even Arcola, and I would never wish him on the residents. Whenever I visit Arthur, even in summer, I always wear long pants and long sleeves. It’s probably not required, but why unnecessairly offend anyone by dressing in a way that’s considered offensive? Wearing pants tells them I’m not Anabaptist, but it’s loads better than wearing a skirt that only comes down to the top of my kneecaps.
That way, we can do business for goods, rather than being tossed out of the store for the way I’m dressed. It works for me; it works for them.
I went back and noticed that not only does “yest” appear 16 times, but the 16 occurrences are the full phrase “yest ye become one”. I wonder if he stored the typo’d phrase as a text macro and repeated it fifteen times.
Is that one of his nifty, magnificent techniques that he brags about? Instead of, you know… writing.
Who wrote:
“Nietzsche was a cruel tietzsche but
“Goethe wouldn’t hoethe fly.”
Ogden Nash? Richard Armour?
This is driving me crazy (short trip, but beside the point).
My fave Ogden Nash quote is:
C’mon. That’s funny.
I really like this one, too:
The Lord in his wisdom made the fly,
But then forgot to tell us why.
My other half came up with a half dozen others off the top of his head, all of which were great. Nash was funny.
Great music choice. I really needed that. My Mom had to put her dog to sleep today, and I was there for her and Roxy. Even that isn’t more horrifying than te tourette’s wrd salad of his latest screed.
Aw, Scott. That sucks. I’m sure Roxy had a good life. Hugs for you and your mom.
Sorry to hear 🙁
Oh good lord. Is he still gibbering on about that barmy shark? Fantasizing that all the meanie-weenies will get chewed up?
His decline into blithering lunacy is nothing if not picking up speed exponentially.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8MIe7_u_tA
Wain was a painter, but it’s the same sort of deterioration.
What a maniac. He gets worse every week. Here’s a quote from his tumblr post:
“I made $60.00 in just two hours with an impormptu signing than someone announced a siging.”
“Impormptu” = approaching people on a Metra train station platform, and scaring them into coughing up $15 apiece for one of the books he had stashed under his armpit? Only in Nicky’s world of accounting does revenue = profit.
Among the anthropophagi,
One’s friends are one’s sarcophagi.
One of my favorite Nashisms. 🙂
Here’s another:
A panther is very like a leopard,
Except it hasn’t been peppered.
If you see a panther crouch,
Prepare to say ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don’t anther.
I’ll stick with Spike Milligan.
I’m not frightened of pussycats,
They only eat up mice and rats.
But a hippopotamus
Could eat the lotofus.
Or even:
At Sydney Zoo
An alligator
Was put on board
A flying freighter
He ate the pilot
And the navigator
Then asked for more
With mashed potater.
An erstwhile termite knocked on wood,
Tasted it and found it good.
And that is why your aunty May
fell through the parlour floor today
The camel has but one hump,
The dromedary two.
Or is it the other way around?
I can’t recall, can you?
I am also fond of Edward Gorey:
From Number 10 Penwiper Mews
Comes really abominable news.
They’ve discovered a head
In the box for the bread,
But nobody seems to know whose.
I also love Edward Lear, but, alas, never got around to memorizing The Dong With the Luminous Nose. Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
“Description
Complete short story by me as something that will offer up access to a story where it will be offered up for the masses to read and enjoy.”
He can’t even nail the description.” SMH*
I suspect I would enjoy it more were I to refrain from reading it.
This time, I took one for the team, but Tim and Jenny have done it, too.
Nicky’s convinced that everyone else is too stupid to understand his darkity dark brilliance. He’ll never understand that his writing lacks every element that makes a story readable. Heck, it lacks the elements that make a story, period. The misspellings, typos, poor grammar, and abuse of punctuation are mere distractions. Plot, characterization, setting, mood, etc., are generally missing.
Obviously, there are as many ways to present stories as there are people writing them. However, if the basics couldn’t be taught, there wouldn’t be creative writing programs. Cooking is the same way, really, with chili being a prime example.
I must confess. I read it. Got an eye twitch about halfway in. Just… how is that even a story? It’s inane blithering. Nothing more. It’s just a lunatic wishing people he doesn’t like would fall into lake Michigan and get eaten by a shark that isn’t even there. I stand by my layman’s diagnosis. He’s a nutbag.
Braver than myself. The synopsis sounds similar to Lake Fossil though. So now he’s just doing fan fiction of his own drivel? Plagiarizing himself?
“Yest Ye Become One” is like fan-fic of “INSECT”. Repetition of a vague theme (wasps in Wheaton Illinois, a shark in Lake Michigan) fading off to no conclusion. No real characters, conflict, resolution, or anything recommended by the Writer’s Guild as compelling story telling. Worse than “Lake Fossil”, “Ghosts in the Tornado”, “The Typewriter”, “Apt #2W”, even worse than “Witch’s Party”, to name a few Pacione stories that sorta have plots. It is definitely not fan-fic of “Lake Fossil”, it is a return to Pacione’s “INSECT” roots.
I was tempted to dare you to read it, but reading Pacione has made me think that Alex Rivera and Barbara Malenky are good writers by comparison. I am not sure I want to do that to others.
yest she said yest i will yest
Nicky’s written some utter drivel before but this one takes the biscuit. It fails on every conceivable level. His early stuff was dreadful, but at least it was semi coherent. This Yest nonsense is the ramblings of a disintegrating mind. I’d bet my last dollar that Nicky’s in the early stages of some kind of brain deterioration such as premature dementia etc. No surprise given his poor diet, boozing, complete lack of exercise, and the cocktail of meds he’s been on for the last twenty years. I’d be amazed if he lives to see fifty.
Nickolaus Pacione, “A Question Of Celebrity”, BuzzFeed, 29 Aug 2015.
Pacione harasses Sarah Jane Ferridge (singer Sarah Jezebel Deva)
And a devestating Pacione line is: “…Nietzsche warned careful not to seek out monters yest ye become one.”
You would think he’d realize by now “Yest Ye Become One” has become a laughingstock and he should get it right.
Let me look. Yep, his Amazon listing for “The Iliad” still repeatedly lists “Bulter” for the translator’s name Butler. That has been pointed out to him. How hard would it be to fix? He doesn’t care.